a member

So much damn bullshit is happening in under a few months, and it's making me insane. My bestest friend made a plan to become fake friends with his ex with another victim of the ex's actions to make sure she was "learning from her mistakes", without even thinking once about my opinion on it. The only reason I knew was that he had the heart to tell me what he was doing that night. When I gave him my opinion and was honestly pissed about it, because lately all he ever seemed to talk to me for was opinions on his ex and the situation. Thankfully, my best friend shut it down, but when I asked if I would have ever known about it if he never had the heart to tell me, he wasn't sure. It hurt a lot at the time. Now there's always this tension when we talk, and I know he feels it too. We obviously talked about it because we know how to communicate with each other, but it, of course, felt weird after I got pissed at being left out of something genuinely so serious in my best friend's life. He continuously talks about how he didn't know why he didn't think about talking with me about it too, and I accepted the apology and excuse, but it still hurts a lot. He hasn't called me since, and I miss hearing his voice. We don't go to the same school, so I can't just wait until it starts to see him. I just feel so wrecked. Before that, I even mentioned how it was between me and him in the earlier stages of our friendship and how I missed it. I never really specified it, but here I can. I missed the affection he would give me because he didn't really have a lover, hell, he used to like me back then, even. I missed the clinginess he had towards me. I missed the long and easy conversations, especially now. But I think I've also come to realize that I think I just miss being loved. I want a relationship, but every single one has left me being exploited. I was exploited for my youth, then exploited just for the purpose of someone to say they had a partner, then exploited with my gender. I am constantly seen as the "woman" in the relationship to the point where it was ruining my own mental health, and it felt so dehumanizing. Any time I even tried to be dominant, I'd get shut down so easily. With my best friend, it would have been exactly that. I could sense it too. When he confessed, he warned me beforehand about how bad it sounded. Then, when it came to him actually saying it, he knew that it was because he saw me in a way I don't see myself as, and he felt so ashamed because of it. It took so long to gain trust with him again, and everything got back to normal. Then, when he started talking to girls and dating someone, texting and calling became less, and I realized how much I missed that. To be the one he cared about the most, even if it was unhealthy. He has attachment issues, and being his attachment reminded me what real affection and care was. That was around the time I dropped out of my neglected relationship. That's all I really have on my mind rn, toodles