Ughhhhhh fuck my life (TW: grooming mentioned, sexualy explicit stuff)

UGHHH, I don't see people talk how much you might miss being groomed AFTER getting groomed. For me personally, it gets so bad that I go on sites and look for older men. "That's so dangerous!!" I KNOW THAT, I cannot help myself and it's horrible. In the past I've even talked to my old groomer, just to remember what a cringe ass loser he is and block him all over again. And every other old man on the internet is just looking for some white, skinny girl which I am NOT. Yes Keith, my thighs are probably bigger than yours. Don't be a fucking pussy now. This is generally a horrible feeling, even guy I meet that's even 2 years older, I wish to groom me again. HOW do I stop feeling like this.