Idk someone help me

Tbh idk anymore ive been feeling sad for who knows how long and school's gonna start in a few more days. Im on the verge of crying every second and i just dont know how to stop it, and when i do cry i just feel like im not crying enough and that im not reaching my feelings enough. My heart feels heavy and i just want everything to stop for a moment.I wanna sleep and just dream forever and im having suicidal thoughs too (well i always have them but not as worse as now) Ive been like this for a couple days and even months know. I dont know what to feel anymore,nothing excites me,instrests me,motivates me and ive hit a huge art block for MONTHS now and I often lose my apletite too and i just dont have any energy to move. Even on days im not even crying i just dont feel anything anymore. I feel so engulfed in sadness but it wont fully swallow me, no matter how many times I've cried, it'll never feel enough. Idk what this is and i think it might be depression but im scared im just being too self aware. (yes i bottle up my feelings but ive been working on it and i try to let myself cry whenever i feel like crying)