a member

So, 2 months ago I broke up with my girlfriend because, I've never really felt anything for her, and I pretending to feel something when I'm with her but I ended up tired all by myself because she always disappear when things get heavy, so I ghosted her, and recently she texted me again, I don't know why she use another number just to text me, but I'm really tired of pretending I'm a "normal" person, I'm a pansexual btw and I haven't been feel love in a long way, is this normal or im to cruel to use my x gf as a way to know if I still could love or not?, I ended up don't know btw