a member

Loneliness. Not something I haven't necessarily felt before, but something I think I refused to accept. All my life I've had quite a few friends. Always people I knew around me. But now that I’ve moved across the world, I had to start over. Last August I entered college, but dropped out in March, about 6 months ago. I joined a company and got close to the other trainees. But, the people I met in college left Korea. The other trainees started disappearing one after another. Before I knew it, I left my company. No familiar comfort. No one I knew. At my small age of 19, sometimes I feel like I need to have my whole life together. Maybe it's because I grew up independent, or the fact I left home at 17. It feels... sad? Recently I've felt... Disappointing? No accepted auditions, nothing productive. Long waits for things that are out of my control has me feeling like an endless spiral. As someone who thrives on being busy because it gives me less time to think like now- it's like my own personal nightmare. A lot of other people my age might be wowed of how much ive accomplished. But to me it doesn't feel...good. I think I'm waiting for things to go correctly all the way until the end. Maybe when I debut, I’ll finally feel proud. Or not? Maybe I'll only feel it when ive established enough fans to fill a concert hall. Or maybe I'll just never be happy with where I am. Maybe I'll always need to be more. I haven't learned yet that I'm still young. That it's okay where I am. That ive worked hard. That I'm working hard. And that it's okay to not be doing something all the time. So maybe I'm not lonely because of the lack of people around me right now, maybe I just haven't learned to be comfortable with the idea of being with myself. This year of being 19, I hope I not only see results of my hard work- but I hope I learn to be proud of myself. And I hope I learn how to tell myself it's okay.