School's going to be the death of me but literally.

I say this as I write at 3:30 a.m. !!! I'm not even tired. My body clock had adjusted to this shitty sleep schedule. I have school tomorrow. I've been sleepless for DAYS. 🫠 I have never been more anxious about my academics than recently. I have also never wanted to end myself this badly—which is pretty surprising because I didn't know that it could get worse. I just get random flashes of what could happen. Our grades are about to be revealed in a FEW days. I'm being deadass. Lately, I have been distracting myself. I'm trying to convince myself that it didn't even matter BUT IT DOES. IDRC that much about the grade or whatever. I'm just scared of disappointing people because I know that a few people had expected me to get high marks. I don't like disappointing anyone, nor do I appreciate others pointing it out. ATP, I'm more scared of crying or breaking down about it in front of everyone. Just mentioning the idea of getting questioned about my failure makes me tear up, what more if someone actually mentioned it? I'd be so embarrassed if I cried in front of anyone just because they simply asked “why” or “what happened”. I finished writing this at 4:20 a.m. Tips on how to not breakdown? …break down? As always, thank you for reading this long text of nonsense. Have a lovely day and night, stranger! 🫶