hollow

life feels hollow when you don't care about much. aside from my pets, my family, and music, i dont care much about anything or anyone else. any emotion i display to people just feels like some sort of rehearsal or just a performance. i dont care for my friends a lot, i dont really feel happy around them. i mean, i do, a little, but not in a way where i am truly happy. most of the time i just force myself to adopt their humor and find it funny. when i say i dont care about my friends, it's almost to an extreme extent. i know it's an awful thing to say and do, but i have had people tell me they were going to 💀 themselves and i could not care. i acted like i cared and did what i had to do (comfort them, talk them out of it, and reassure them that they can tell me about anything) but in the deepest pits of my heart and my brain i knew that i could not care less. in my head i was so utterly detached from the situation and i felt like "i can't do much to stop it anyways, what's the point?". it's such a sick thought and mindset to have even i was baffled by the own things that ran inside my mind. i tell my friends that i love them and i care so deeply for them, but i know that if i met someone or some people that were better than them, i would barely be able to hold myself back from just leaving them behind. most of my friends i keep for my own benefit and convenience: they're smart, they help maintain my social status, or they sometimes make me laugh. i know and im deeply aware that yes, it's fucked up to have "friends" and not care if they 💀d or just befriend them because they're "useful," but i can't care. i don't know why. it's such a hollow way of life, and i can't even be sure if i can consider my friends friends or if they're just there to pass the time. i want to feel something and i want to meet someone that really makes me happy, but i don't even know if i can even feel that way, or if i even deserve it with how i treat and think of other people.