a member

I am a girl. I just moved abroad and "she" was my very first friend. I had this "excitement" for my her. I was always excited to talk with her about things related to world history, politics, feminism, and even mundane daily life. Everytime I go out and speak with other people, they always point out how "weird" I am, but when I'm with her, I feel so normal. She never asked questions regarding my quirks or over-sensitivity, she made me feel so safe. She made me feel normal. and I thought that I definitely wouldn't mind if she were to kiss me and if we lived together in an apartment near the beach. I even thought that I wouldn't mind sleeping with her. I have had dreams of the sort. She brought a calm to me that made me forget the mundaneness of university. One day, she came to my room, drunk and barely standing. She held my wrist and began heading to a wall; I thought to myself that I'd follow her anywhere she takes me to. I felt jealous when she told me about her anecdotes with other women. I felt jealous when she talked about her previous relationships and how she loved others romantically. Above all, I always became sad at the reminder that I will never be anything but a friend to her. I had crushes before. I know the fast heart beating, and the excitement of LOOKING at my crush. But it was different with her, I knew who she was and what she believed in and I always wanted more of what she had to say. The feeling was different from a crush, it was too peaceful, too calm, and too safe... So, was I in love or was it just my filling in the loneliness of moving to a new country alone? Does anyone know?