a member

We've been waiting years to finally be together without my family in the way (just to clear things up we are both the same age, my family is just extremely strict) but, the problem is all he can really talk about when it comes to the future is sex, constantly. At first, I found it very exciting and enjoyable to talk about it, and all the wonderful things we would do to become closer as a couple, but as time passed I noticed the way he talked about sex, saying things like "realase all my stress into you" and previously mentioned being hypersexual. Personally, though I love the thought of connecting with him on such a deep level, and showing my feelings in such a physical way, do not find any physical pleasure in sex with him (though intercourse only occurred two times before we got caught sneaking out with one another, a few years ago, but lots of things continued to happen, shamefully, through clothes and school bathrooms😖) but it has always felt so one sided and empty of anything, anything that I did was in fear of him losing interest or leaving, even though I know he wouldn't. The only enjoyment I got from it was knowing he was enjoying it. He always says he wants to do all these things to me, but never ends up actually doing them, any encounter we had was me doing things to him, not the other way around, unless you can count the few times he tried for about five minutes and then gave up 😓But I'm just not as interested in sex anymore as he is, because of our previous experiences together. he really seems to focus on me giving him head, which i secretly hate doing, but constantly gave him because we had short time and a lack of birth control 😓 Everytime we talk about the near future, all I can think about is how, the second I earn my freedom, I immediately become a sex object, a toy. Sometimes I even think of suicide because I just can't bring myself to say anything and break his heart, especially after all this time he put into loving me.