-Vent-

I feel like I'm lying to myself.. I don't know if what I'm saying is through anymore, What I'm thinking is true, I'm start to doubt everything even myself. It hard cuz I'm not sure what's true anymore. Sometimes I just want to stay in my room, Yet I have to come out because of my damned parents. sometimes I want to talk, I type a message to some1 I trust yet I delete it cuz I changed my mind. I'm the type of person who keeps to herself, Tho sometimes I wish I wasn't. I hate this, I hate that I can't trust anyone, not the person who knows about my mind, not my mother, not even myself. I wish I can trust myself, tho idk if I'm lying to myself, Idk what's true anymore. Sometimes I'm starting to question reality, I'm starting to question if this really happened, and sometimes I don't trust myself enough to not commit. I wish I could say this directly to the person I trust yet i won't for I can't. Honestly if I were to define what I'm like, I'm fun, bubbly, I can easily laugh (tho sometimes I doubt I'm actually happy) I talk alot once I'm comfortable, I'm shy with new people, but hidden behind this, I talk, I'm sarcastic but not the bad kind and usually behind that sarcasm I say truths but I hide it as a joke, sarcastic, I give hints in what I say tho it's never really clear, and it someone asks what I mean I change the topic, maybe deep down, the reason I still say small things about being not okay yet hiding it, is maybe because, deep down I guess I really want someone to know that I'm not okay. Tho I regret saying I'm not okay, I wish I just kept quiet, for someone now knows and it went from 1 to 2 to 3 and eventually reached my mother and father, I told them honestly but I wish I never did. I've been scrolling today, yesterday i started scrolling through TikTok shop and I started searching mini cutters and blades I could use for sh. I really really wanted one but I'm broke asf hopefully when I get to leave the house again (I'm homeschooled) I can buy 1 if I find 1