a member

I really want to tell someone about this, so here's the story. I was 5, and it was Thanksgiving, I was at my aunts hanging with my cousin who was probably around 11. We were up on the top of the bunk bed just talking, then he asked me something, something around the lines of asking if he can touch and look at my private parts. Now I knew it was wrong, so I said "no sorry" or something, but he kept asking, he wouldn't stop, it felt like ages of him begging and gilt tripping me into it, Saying "pls it will make me so sad if we dont". I trusted my cousin, I always had, I just sat back and thought, he loves me, he wont do anything that will hurt me, so I said okay. Now I won't go into detail, but he touched my private parts alot, and it only stopped that day when we got called to go eat pie, but it didn't stop there. When I would go over to my aunts house, we would play truth or dare adult version we had downloaded on a iPad. One of them was to insert his private part into me, he tried but he couldn't. Right there was when he realized what he was doing was wrong, that he had to stop what he was doing, he told me that and then left, never talking to me about it again. Now thats the problem, its been years upon years since this happened, and because he has never talked to me about it, I feel like I made it up in my head, like it wasn't real, and my fucked up brain made it up when I was younger. I need him to tell me it happened, so I wont feel fucking crazy, like im just a fucked up person, who needs to go to a mental hospital. I need to know if he remembers! If he hates himself for it! I need to know its real! Pls dont tell me i need to tell my mom or the authorities, because its to late for that, and the police wont do shit. Thank you for reading, sorry if my grammar is shit and this is messy, its 3 in the morning.