a member

I am about to apply for scholarships. Unfortunately, I didn't have the time to prepare a month ahead because I was trying not to fall back to depression, so I kept drawing and gaming in hopes of distracting myself, feel alive or whatever.. I know, I suck, but It's always been hard for me to put effort into something I don't truly value. Now I just want to take this out, hoping that this will help me focus on learning math later. I hate how my younger self didn't take school that seriously, because now I suffer the consequences. I never learned how to actually study. I have watched a thousand youtube videos but I genuinely couldn't find what kind of technique suits me. My head hurts only after a few hours it sucks, and coffee barely works on me now. I kinda also assume this has some psychological correlation since I use autopilot, distraction and suppression as a coping mechanism all the time, leading me to forget a lot of stuff that happened to me in the past. The fact I struggle with reading clocks and doing basic tasks proves a lot. IDK what to do but I will continue to force myself. It's better that I keep trying than giving up early.