a member

Growing up I always felt a bit hollow when seeing other girls my age talk so freely with their dad, no awkwardness, no distance, just fluid and clear conversations. I was so jealous. I don't hate my dad, I love him so much. I know he does too yet doesn't ever say it. I'm always the one who has to say 'I love you' and he'll hang up the call after. He's a doctor and my mom told me that every time he checks up on me it's his way of saying 'I love you', but honestly I think that if he just said 'I love you' back it wouldn't hurt. I know I'm not the daughter he wanted, I'm not the most athletic, the top student, or whatever. But it wouldn't hurt for him to just say he's happy for me right? Even at my graduation he asked me why I didn't get a medal. It haunted me for years hearing the pure disappointment in his voice. And I'm not even trying, I feel useless staring at a blank math worksheet and the almost perfect score on my chemistry. I'll never be enough and I'm going to die thinking like that.