a member

So umm when I was about 7 I got SA by our care giver it was a man. Till this day I still have not told my parents they have no idea and I can't just bring this up because it happened so long ago and we left the county it happened in so left that memory behind me but I still carry some type of trauma because of it because it happen in the dark while everyone was asleep and the lights were off I can't sleep now without the light my house has to has light in every room it's taking a toll on the electricity bill i don't want to get therapy because they will find out what do I do with this the guilt is eating me alive one more thing I've been struggling with depression for the pass 4 years every day I want to stop living because it's too painful to bare my body is full of scars but I keep on adding more and more I don't how to stop I don't know how to ask for help I've tried so many time but my body refuses to move to talk I just want someone to talk to but at the same time I feel like I don't deserve anything I keep telling myself that everybody hates me nobody loves that I'm a waste of space and no one will ever love I feel so sad all the time I can't even feed myself properly I've been starving myself because I'm too fucking fat but at the same I want to eat food is the only way I see and death that's all that have been on my mind these pass months I just can't take it anymore I don't want to cry myself to sleep every night I want everything to end and I can't stop This will only be up for about 30 minutes please give me some answers thanks for reading my thoughts it means a lot to mean thank you again.