a member

I’m sick of myself. Every time I was handed opportunity, maybe some competitions or doing something more, I always turn it down. It is acting up as if rejecting was my first instict. Then when it's given to someone, oh guilt and regret could eat me. I know I’m not that great, but deep down I wanted to try for sure. I let couple of things slip away and get ruin because of my decisions. Just because I can't choose. I always ended up with nothing. The worst thing isn't the result, it's that I don't know if life could bring another one again or will I just waste it like any other time. There must be reason behind this. But no, I can't pinpoint how I choose to self-doubt everytime. Was it overwhelming? Self-sabotage? or the fact that ever since, I’ve never got the support I needed and always just someone around me who refuse and brush off thing. I am afraid or not. I always hear “do it scared“ when almost everything that i did was out of fear. I hate this. I can't accept the feeling I’m left with upon the choices I made. I just did right now, and it adds up to things I’m so disappointed a lot. Then again I'm stuck. Never growing.