I never feel like I belong, I might have social anxiety or anxiety in general.

No matter how much I want to speak a connect with people, sometimes Ill just be there existing in a corner just watching everyone have fun. I always wonder why I can't be as free as they can be. Maybe it's becuase im always worried about something, I feel like I don't deserve to be free and happy with them. I do better in smaller groups, i'll NEVER join a conversation, and for some reason I (everyone tells me so) I sound so sarcastic. If I am giving someone a complement they as me "wait really becuase you sound like you're joking". Sk many people tell me that. I wish that my voice was genuine, my laugh too. I feel so much but am only able to express so little. That's why I'm drawn to him. He is so much, he's annoying, he's loud, but he's himself. He has a sense of freedom that I will never be able to feel. He is so much like himself that he can't contain it, he can't stop. He way to much but I admire and envy that. I wish that I was so much like myself, that I was so much in general that I started to annoy people. I wish I could be more like him. I wish I could be free. I wish my thoughts weren't so loud. This stuff happend but then random moments I feel spontaneous and I know deep down, the real me is loud and obnoxious just like he is. It makes me sad that I don't think I'll ever be able to show that side of me to him. I wish he knew how much I value him and his personality. I bet that he's insecure about it or that he feels like he's too much. For as long as he lives he will feel that becuase the other people around him are too afraid to show their real selves, to be genuine, and to be free from shame, guilt, or fear.