boyfriend

I love my online best friend (same age btw!) SO I usually wanna spend more time with him. Until I got a boyfriend. I dont know how , we just started holding hands and kissing. He asks me to hang out and I always say no, I wanna keep my best friend. I can't handle romantic relationships. I feel so guilty , I can't handle love so I made up excuses to not talk. Saying my parents won't let us text etc. Im genuinley so upset I cry about it I wish it was different