a member

My grand has been my guardian for going on 10 years after my mother lost custody of me and my brother. She's not a stereotypical strict parent, though does have her opinions on how a child should be. I was diagnosed with depression in mid-7th grade, and have struggled with it ever since. My therapist and close family besides my Grandma believe my depression was caused by bullying at school, and an extremely low self esteem, but I don't believe that's the main cause. While my low self esteem has been affected by said bullying and perfectionism, a major fact may have been my Grandmothers 's "uncaring" nature. From 6th grade to now, I had no means bad grades, almost always reaching above 100% in each subject (besides PE of course), yet she never cared about them. I suppose it may have become like that because I kept such good grades so long it was in her mind it didn't matter. She never reacted to any of my accomplishments or awards, barely batting an eye. Now, I don't mean to say "uncaring" as in not interested in anything. I suppose that only applies to my school life. Besides it, she was strict. I would get in trouble everyday for random reasons, some of which not even my fault. When I did them or explained it was not my fault, she ended the conversation without apologizing. I'm not even joking but I don't even think I've heard her say "sorry" about anything, let alone to me. It's made me fear ever making a mistake, which may add to my perfectionism. Let me add, she's very heavily Italian, so her voice is very loud. I've had emotional breakdowns in the past just from fearing her yell. She never hugs or says she's proud, or even shows any interest in our lives. I've been trying to find explanations for why for years. I know we struggle with money and she works 3 jobs just to pay rent, and she's pushing 70, but I'm just tired. PS. I'm sorry if I've said to much. This is the first time telling anyone this.