What's a dream you shelved that still waves at you sometimes?

Hi, uhmm I thought I'd just share this because its been really hard keeping it in, it's that life has been really dificult these days and I want to end it and the only thing keeping me alive is watching gore, does anybody know what do I do? That doesn't involve talking to other people in irl because I don't trust anyone at this point, and I chose a random title I'm sorry😔