When's It Gonna Be My Turn?

I've always wondered what it feels like to truly be seen and heard, to be held, and most importantly, to be loved by someone who just "gets" you. Not someone who's only attracted to your looks or what you can bring to the table, but someone who loves you for who you are, even on your worst days. Someone who notices the way your eyes light up when you're excited, the tiny crease in your eyebrows when you're deep in thought, or how easily you cry over a touching story. Someone who wants to learn every version of you, not because they have to, but because they genuinely want to. I've been single for all 22 years of my life lol. I've never been in a relationship. Not even my first kiss. 😭 So naturally, I've always wondered what all of that feels like... To have someone you're in love with, and to know they're just as in love with you. Is that too much to ask? Am I not enough? Am I desperate for wanting that? Because I don't want to come across as desperate😩 Maybe it's just nights like these that make me think about it more. And then I look at the dating scene today. Cheating has become so common that it's almost expected. People are afraid of commitment. Some are still hung up on their exes while trying to date someone new. Ghosting has become normal. Breadcrumbing, mixed signals, and situationships seem more common than actual relationships. Everyone wants the benefits of love without the responsibility that comes with it, and it feels like genuine intentions are getting harder and harder to find. Even talking stages feel so performative these days. Like everyone's trying to impress each other instead of just being real. And as someone who craves depth and genuine connection, I find that exhausting. It honestly makes me hesitate to even enter a relationship because when I love, I love deeply. I give it my all. And I don't want to pour that kind of love into someone who's only going to break it. But.... there are moments when I'm tempted to just jump into something for the sake of finally having someone. To just pick a random guy and think, "Maybe this could work." To be that "b*tch" (sorry for the term) who can casually entertain people without thinking too much. But deep down, I know that's not who I am. I'm someone who dates to marry. I'm not the type to go into something with an "eh, let's just see where this goes" mindset. My soul is too deep for meaningless connections and temporary relationships. I guess some people would call that boring nowadays. Because why stay with one person when you can keep entertaining ten others? Why commit when you can keep your options open? Why build something lasting when modern dating rewards detachment more than devotion? And all that modern love bullsh*t. Buttttt, all I really want is loyalty, consistency, honesty, and... oh, to actually be PURSUED😩Sometimes I feel like I'll always be the girl who's liked but never pursued. Don't get me wrong, I genuinely love my single era. I love my independence, my freedom, and the peace that comes with being on my own. I even tell myself, "I don't need love. I'm better off alone." But I know DAMN WELL that almost every night, I secretly CRAVE it 😭 I just want to be loved the way people are loved in books and movies🥺 I'm just too scared to admit it.... Maybe I'll stay single until I find that kind of love, even if waiting for it is becoming exhausting. But ohhh, to be loved🥹😩