MISSING YOU

So i have this ex that i still love up until now and i can say that he cheated on me because for me it is. Breaking up with ur gf just so you can court other girl is a cheating right? and talking to a lot of girl and lying to every girl behind her back is cheating right? but i still love him, idk why okay? maybe because we've known each other for 4 years and the memories that we both made is our first time since he's my first real bf and i am his first gf. we ended our relationship when our anniversary is coming na. all of the what if is hunting me and all of our memories that we both made is hunting me. i h4te him but i love the old him. he changed but that's because of him, it's my fault if only i wasn't that insecure but if he reassured me enough maybe i was not like that right? cause what kind of boyfriend you if even the bare minimum is too hard for you? and i think i am yearning for the memories and potentials, i really do love him but i am not okay and mentally unstable so maybe this is right. it hurt so much that he left me but that's okay, i think its for the better specially for me.