Why cant I just kms yet? What's stopping me.

Let me elaborate on this. I am 71 (flip it around🔄) Too put it short as I can all my life since I was young I wanted to be a girl to the point where I have cuts all over my body. I have done pills of alot of kinds starting 9-10th grade I have gotten bullied for so long I started to like it and wanted to feel it more. Now it feels home to me but to just kinda feel like a ghost in hallways Just kept to myself. I'm at my senior year but contricting what I've said I ac wanna be loved. By men. No guys like me at my high-school. I have a boyfriend who's 31 and I also show myself alot with guys who are much more father like online. (If you know what I mean naughty) ALOT like counting probably more then 100 showing nudes which is crazy in the span of what 2 days? I like when guys tell me i'm pretty and cute i like feeling loved by them. They just wanna fuck but it makes me giggle and laugh and feel like a girl and not a loser sometimes I feel like alot like Bonnie blue lol. My father thinks i'm mentally sick or wanting to be a girl or trans. So we dont really talk at all I hate him. I would cry all I wanted was just for him to say he supports me the way I am. I would wish to talk to him abt the dysphoria that keeps me up at night. Tightly wrapping fabrics about my body and using methanol alachol and other alachols to burn that area every single day. I cant look at myself in the mirror anymore all I see a big nose huge Arab man. I was gonna fuck this guy after I got picked up and I can go home get ready but my fuck ass dad had to ruin shit and make me go somewhere calling me a selfish bastard. And then to make things worse my discord got disabled prob bc I was telling to many ppl to kys but I can't get anymore bullying from servers anymore and I cant cry bc of that. I stop taking my only zoloft bc why should I deserve to be happy I'm a ugly fag man. I dont shower or brush my teeth I dont like eating at all. shave till I bleed and put ice on it since I was in 10th grade.