What's something you've never told anyone? (TW: COCSA + Suicide)

I mean.. I've technically told 2 people this. But when I was about 3 (2010), my aunt, uncle, mom, and I moved into an apartment with my cousins. We we're on the 2nd floor, they were on the 1st. My cousins were I think like 14, 11, and on the way. But it's the 11y/o one that's the focus. She's my mom's favorite and my mom practically raised her and her brother because their mom was an alcoholic. I don't even know how to start saying this, but essentially she used to SA me. A lot. I unfortunately can't remember everything which I know is normal because it's trauma and I was 3, but it still pisses me off that I don't have control over my own memory. But what remember most is the good times we had. And how much fun I did have with her outside of the secrets. Like baking cookies or watching creepypasta. But had I known the situation I was in at that age I probably would have told. But I was clueless so I thought it was normal. Fast forward to when I'm 8 (2015) and everything happens so suddenly. My cousin commits suicide. It was over a girl, but that's not the point. My whole family was heartbroken and so was I. Despite what she did to me, I cried. Because I missed her. I didn't remember a single thing she did to me at that point though. I took until I was 16 (2023) to finally put 2 and 2 together. I had a faint memory of it, but I really didn't think much of it. It wasn't until I moved and was missing the old apartment and kinda going through memories that I finally realized what actually happened to me. And it explained all the types of feelings I've always experienced with sexual topics or the way my body reacted to things or all the random guilt I felt about random things. But what was I supposed to do? Get her ashes in trouble? Nothing I can do will ever give me the answer to why she did it. Also am I just supposed to come out over 10 years after her death and ruin my family's image of her? Even I miss her good moments still sometimes, but it feels so wrong. And I'm mad at her for leaving me without answers and mad at myself for not realizing sooner. But I have to remind myself that I was just a kid. If you have any advice on what I should do, please tell me. If you had a similar situation, you can vent to me too. Thanks <3