a member

A few months ago, I dated a girl. A few months before that, that girl was my bestest friend. My person. My favorite thing in the whole wide world. We were inseparable. Like the moon and the sun. I could listen to her talk for hours and not get bored. I would've left everyone for her if I had to. She was the love of my life. And when I found out that she had a crush on me, I was beyond happy. I confessed to her a day later. But we didn't last. My internalized homophobia kicked in two days into the relationship. And suddenly I realized that maybe I never loved her as more than a friend. She was the love of my life -- platonically. So I planned to break up with her. But I made the mistake of telling her best friend about it. And she told her. She broke up with me. And then called my other best friend a bitch. And then showed my diary entry to yet another friend. After a silence from both ends, we had agreed to remain friends. But she hadn't looked at me the same. I could tell that she never would look at me like that again. She became colder. Meaner. And at some point, I had enough. But I was childish. Instead of talking to her about what I had thought about the situation, I spoke to everyone but her. With her, I was silent. I'll never forgive myself for that mistake. This could've been fixed, hadn't I been so immature. The friendship ended in a heated argument, and many useless insults. I've been blocked by her ever since. I don't blame her for any of it. I wish I had been smarter. Better. I wish I had been clearer and more mature. I wish I wasn't a stupid, dumb child. I miss her. I hate that I ever hated her. Because now that I think about it, I could never hate her for long. I'm sorry. I love you.