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There's this boy whom i met on 10th grade. It started as a simple picked crush not until it went to real feelings and reciprocation after i was exposed by his best friend. It was nice, being with him back then was nice but as months went by, i felt unsettling feelings within me that caused me to tell him that i didn't like him anymore. you could say it was something that would tiktok say as "avoidant". He replied "but i like you" and the days went by with him being dumbfounded. Honestly, i really liked him. it wasn't because i was avoidant either. i was really driven away from him. His sister didn't like me because his brother made a girl pregnant at early age that's why they were strict at him. He would pretend we're strangers when he's relatives are there. and i hate the most was his friend. Let's call the guy i "like" as "waffle". his friend never liked me. whenever i was with waffle, he would snicker. then later on would say something to waffle. waffle told me what it was when we were now on 11th grade. Apparently, His friend told him that i was ugly. I knew it before that. Waffle told me he defended me but it didn't do anything at all because he still tolerated that friend and on our conversation there he already told me he already moved on but then my stupid self still told him that i still have a crush on him. he showed interest again but i drove him away again because what his friend said was now engraved and made me think i shouldn't be with him. Anyway, fast forward to college, my heart still fluttered when i see him. we talked again after not talking on 12th grade (he had a girlfriend; now ex, and his ex-girlfriend targeted me for some reason that time such as blocking my account and taking pictures of me from the campus). Then i still said i liked him but he rejected me this time. it was supposed to be a joke first from me, which he then joked back followed by a real rejection. He told me that he wanted to focus on his studies, and i said okay of course. then we parted. But then i saw him at an event in our school with another girl. He rejected me, yet i was also to find out myself that girl was his now girlfriend. It hurts to me and it's completely my fault. I couldn't tell if it was the lie on why he rejected me or was it because it was easy for him to move on from me why I'm still stuck? was it really my fault when the people around him didn't like me? was it my fault that i had to push him away because i didn't want him to be embarassed with me? Anyway yea. He was my first love. Could you tell? haha it's been 4 years and he still hunts my dream. so i did something reckless to message him. and that occurred me how wrong i was texting him while he had a girlfriend. how dare i ask questions. but he never saw my message. and i am thankful he didn't because it was dumb. i didn't want to ruin his relationship. so in the end i deleted my long year social account so that i can never do something stupid again. How do one move on from her first love?