I'm tired.

I used to type these in my notes app. To rot and disappear without a trace of human interaction. I decided to give this app a chance but I've found it to not be as rewarding as I would of liked. I crave human interaction more than I initially realized. For a very long time I thought I hated it. I would joke or move on from serious conversations and I would hide away from everything when I cried. But then I rekindled an old friendship with someone im very close with. And through that person I began to relearn things about myself. This person was someone who was very open about their feelings and wants. I would watch as they vomit up all that ugliness and for a very long time I thought it was annoying. How can you just say these things? Dont you feel ashamed? But I never told them. I loved my friend and if talking it out like that helped them I was fine reciprocating the conversation. And recently they have been doing a lot better. Anymore they don't talk so freely about their emotions. It's not so ugly and open, it's quiet. But I'm realizing that that's annoying to me as well. I got so used to talking through their emotions, living vicariously through their vulnerability. Now that it's gone I feel a disconnect. There have been times where I've tried to speak as openly as them. I can only ever muster the courage for my feeble attempts when I've hit absolute rock bottom. It disgusts me when I have to stoop this low, I feel nauseous even. And nearly every time I can tell. I can tell they don't have to same patience anymore. When someone says you can talk to them anytime, it's just a saying you know? No body likes to listen to those disgusting cries. Even I, who stood obediently by their side through their struggles, was only doing it to satisfy my own cravings for vulnerability. Now I just stay up at night in wait. I have a sick dream that one day they'll need my help agian.