a member

I have my best friend for so many years now. We've know each other since Elementary. We are both in Grade 12. We're in the same school, but not classmates. One thing we do everyday to bond is we hang out together every recess. She has been nothing but kind to me, she's everything I could wish for.🥹 We are both honor students, back in Grade 10 when we were still classmates we have always had the same range of grades except that she always has something higher than me AND I ABSOLUTELY SEE NO PROBLEM WITH THAT. I am proud of her more than words can carry. She has always been the quick-witted one in our friendship. But of course there are still insecurities inside me that never really fade in time. I am the not-so-attractive one in our friendship, the super slow one, the one that people would never think of pairing with with her, i sometimes feel like i try too hard to be funny with her because that's the only way to like me(?). I really really mean it when i say i am not jealous of her. But as she become close with her classmates i feel like it's embarassing for her to be with me. I mean she never made me feel that way, it's just that i am ashamed of myself. Yesterday, we just got our report card for the 1st term, and her lowest is highest. AGAIN, I am so proud of her, she is my everything. But i feel so so so ashamed of myself, of what would people think of her being friends with someone like me. I really feel drained whenever i am with her and it's absolutely not because of her, and i feel like that's really unfair for her. I am so frustrated of myself. I always think of how unworthy i am to be her best friend of all people. I am so lucky to have her, but is she with me? I wish I could change myself🥹