Need opinion, Idk if my mom raped me or not

So I literally don't know if my mom raped me or not, maybe I'm over thinking it , but like basically when I was twelve or maybe thirteen my mom use to take me and lay me and bed and she would make (tw:) me spread my legs and she would probe and poke her fingers inside, but she'd also use cotton buds to spread my private parts so I really thought she was cleaning me, and she'd say shes cleaning me so yeah, i never really thought it was bad cuz we shower together, anyways i think after it happened i kind of liked the feeling now i have these thoughts of wanting to be touched by my mom again, she also used to like kiss me in my mouth a lot of times which is more normal for me, but she never did it with my other siblings just me, auuughhh i dont know, i hope it's not thay bad.