a member

PTSD is odd. No, we aren't tragic heros who are forgotten and left behind. We are often glorified because we are monsters and that shred of humanity left in us is horrified of what we do. We're not afraid of war and death. I suppose I am a bit afraid of war but when others with PTSD disassociate and are desensitized, we are afraid of ourselves and what we are doing. I was dreaming of killing innocent people. My own family and friends who like me but don't know me. I was dreaming about that because I kill friends and families. I woke up screaming because my father ripped my rifle out of my hands in my dream and pointed it at my throat. I woke up screaming and grabbing at the air because I was trying to grab my weapon back. People mock and insult me because I'm a thug with blood on my hands. I will never belong to polite society. I love peace but it's no longer part of me the way violence is. There are people who glorify war and they don't understand. They welcome me but I don't want to be with them and when I talk about how peace is possible and beautiful in the world they ostracize me. Anyway it's hard for me to sleep and my PTSD is part of that. I also have training to stay awake and alert for weeks at a time. Sometimes that just kicks in automatically so I don't sleep for a few days. Sometimes I rest for a few hours but I don't fall asleep. I just lay down with my eyes open and try to let my body relax.