a member

What am I supposed to tell my father about how I feel about him? My father isn't always the best at showing affectionate or appreciation and is often rough when it comes to affectionate since he doesn't really know how to show it he often grabs me roughly when he's going to hug me and forces me to hug him back or show him affectionate which I don't want to since it's very uncomfortable. When I don't he says I don't love him even acting very cold, he even judges on everything my room, what I eat, and what I do in my life to the point I've grown so much hatred towards him that I don't see him as a father anymore by the way he acts towards but in my last school year I grew an attachment to a civics teacher since he treated me like I felt like what a father should treat their child which is something my father never did for example whenever I showed my father I got an A on a test he would say the same words it was like a broken record but when i made my civics teacher a poster of his favorite song 'should I stay or should I go?' he smiled and thanked me saying "you also like this song?" I nodded and he said "in that case you should stay" after that day I give him even more draws but like you know each school year ends meaning teachers are changed on the last day of school I give him a drawing his fav cookies as a gifts promising myself, I would get his signature or at least hugging right? Nope when I saw him I couldn't move or speak once I got home I sobbed so hard to the point I couldn't speak my family, even got worried asking "what's wrong what happened? " even my father came to me worried but how couldn't I tell him the closest thing that I had to a father was now gone and I lost my chance to hug him or say anything? After that day that was my biggest regret, even in my dreams, I was getting mocked by what I didn't do to the point I kept dreaming that it happened again and again and again.