losing us (what we used to be)

red, i miss us being that deeply in love. i used to be the person she wanted to tell everything to, the one she ran to with every thought. now, it feels like i’m just trying my hardest to love someone who is slowly slipping away behind a wall. it’s devastating to realize that she feels like she has to "submit" to me or hide her thoughts because she's afraid i'll use her vulnerability against her when i’m hurt. that was never my intention, but knowing that’s the reality she’s living in makes me feel like i’ve failed her completely. the truth is, i’m just so exhausted and so fucking lonely from the distance. i’ve let my frustration turn into hostility because i don’t know how else to cope with being starved of the affection i crave. i still save every single photo, listen to every old voicemail, just trying to get back the sensation of what we used to be. i don't want to keep pushing each other away, but i don't know how much further we can go like this.