I'm so tired, and I hate that I still miss him

We broke up months ago and he blocked me, but the hole never closed. Our relationship was toxic, to say the least. He had this push and pull personality; every time I tried to fix things and communicate, he made it harder for me. Even though he caused a lot of stress in my life, I never stopped loving him. Sometimes I find myself crying and wondering what I did wrong, and sometimes I feel immense anger toward him. But I still miss him a lot, even knowing how toxic he was. I just wish he actually understood me, and I hate how his leaving still affects me, even though it was a long time ago