does heaven know?

I could never transition to become a boy and I could never marry anyone without taking account their gender; I couldn't will myself to do it even if I had nothing to loose. then again, I don't think i'd ever do anything that wasn't within the confines of social normalcy; and I am of the few—if not—the majority—within this society who would rather have pennies for dinners at an eatery than to have it everyday at a home lacking burrowed tupperware and no fire work wraps laying obsolate on the driveway floor. which is silly to say because it's not like I understand myself enough to be woeful. and yet the lack of liberty to even consider it as an option is...disconsolating. why should it be so? as if I have the right simply for my ruminating. but sometimes—if time may give free rein—I dream that everything that I may not know or want to accept of myself or of fate; may give arms in heaven. that everything I may not ever experience here, the person I may never be able to become; may exist somewhere after death. I think it is hope but the days seem to hate liars and I've enough penalties to bear to even wonder for a second.