a member

Straight to the point with this one. My mom and my dad were married for 10yrs bc she got pregnant w me,she hid the fact that she had 3 sons,he later found out and took them in,later had my younger brother. He cheated on her constantly,he was in my life yh but I never really knew my dad then,he didn't know me either. I never knew my mom was on drugs then,I thought she was just kinda weird but so am I so I didn't think abt it. She wasn't allowed a job,my dad's traditional(kinda) He would abuse my older brothers, chocking,hitting, whipping,they fell into drugs,the cop sirens were my childhood. Bro2 was always running away,bro1 was always high,bro3 was 8 when he started. I remember I was 5ish and my dad threw me around the kitchen and not spanked but whipped my back and I hit the corners of everything,they all heard it,they were all in the living room. Bro4 was like 2. They said nothing,my mom didn't help me,she didn't yell,she didn't fight for me. All bc I couldn't write my name,I can't help it. I've always been behind in regular school,Ive always skipped classes and walked out since kindergarten,I hated it and I still do. I don't understand things fast enough and it makes my dad mad,same with bro4 he's a bit yk? My parents r divorced now. I'm still stuck,I'm tried of crying,I'm tired of trying knowing wtv I do won't work,all my dad does is call me retarded,so what's the point in tryin? I don't want to. I've followed the steps of my older brothers, running away more then 4 times,smoking,pills, drinking,I've been in the back of a cop car more then a few times. I'm stuck,I don't want to get better atp. I carved a cross onto my head to make my dad mad,bc ik sh embarrasses him. I hate my life,I hate myself. I love my dad,I hate my father.