a member

Me being a trans man who's medically transitioned to the point of passing does NOT automatically make me a more confident person with more social skills than I have. I feel like I can't say that anywhere else BECAUSE of that expectation. I can feel the difference in what strangers are expecting of me VERY clearly now that I look and sound like the man I am. Like guys... this is new territory for me, alright? I didn't get to transition from an early age. I'm just three years into my transition as an adult over 30. I'm trying to get myself to say and do things more confidently. I'm trying (maybe too hard) to carry myself VERY carefully around women. I'm trying to be the one to initiate things like conversations, dates, plans, etc. I'm trying to speak less nervously and more naturally. I'm trying to be the one who either releases or kills insect invaders based on how dangerous/invasive they are. I'm trying to be the man they all expect, and it's such an isolating experience because I can't tell anyone it's a struggle. If I do, it erases all my effort to "change lanes" because it exposes my lack of confidence. If I wanted less respect and more pity from people, I would just wear that part of my heart on my sleeve. I'm more confident in myself now that I look and sound more like me, but my god, we're talking about 30+ years of living as if I were wearing a REALLY convincing cosplay as a "girl." As fucked up as it is, there is a pretty huge difference in what people do and don't automatically expect based on gender, and it happens on sight. I wish I could tell people I'm still learning and adapting, but it's taking time and a LOT of effort. I wish I could tell people that, in the meantime, I really do need their support and understanding.