Companions

So for a few years now Ive been having a hard time calling people my -friends- just my irl classmates/people i hang around at school Seriously, everytime im telling a story about my classmates, I HAVE to say classmates cause saying friends makes me pause and think I dont know why honestly But recently ive been alone more at school cause WHO even knows my lunch table went i guess, and since Ive convinced myself I actually dont like anybody, i told myself "whatever" Im still unsure on that Maybe I just dont want to be alone where people I know can see me Because obviously theres gonna be people I know that has the same lunch as I do, i just dont want people to pity me I think, or ever think im sad, or like "omg shes sitting alone" like bruh Because at school I act like an idiot, just the usual way you act around people you know well, and im not saying that personality of mine is fake or an act but since I act that way all the time ive gotten to the point where its just humiliating to show any emotion other than "joyful idiot" And i know that sounds corny im literally cringing while writing this lowkey🥹 and i dont even know where im going with this. Anyway I mean its basically my fault because after school is over i contact no one, (again cause ive convinced myself I dont actually like anyone ) And everytime I tried imagining actually interacting with these people outside of school or telling them im something other than happy is just making me ache💔 And ive thought about this thousands of times, but its just hard trying to execute exactly what im feeling Idk i dont want people to feel bad for me but at the same time i kind of do Sorry if this didnt make sense😳👌 ok bai😂✌️