I try to make it work, but is it really doing anything?

I try to think of happy memories of my cousin. He passed away last year and it's been the worst news of my life. With making myself think it's okay, I feel okay most of the time, but really? When I just clear my mind... without occupations... it tears something in me. I'll never see him again. He was only 19 and for the love of it, he was like a brother. I miss him so much it hurts to think of nothing.