How do I change?

So, I'm a Christian, but I've been feeling very lukewarm lately...I don't like that, because it reminds me of my horrible depression phase. I haven't been to youth in two weeks now, almost three, I've only been to church last week and of course I'm going this week too. Why all of a sudden am I thinking about cults and starting one? But it's not like demonic cults. My idea evolves around acting like a cult, but it actually being a chirstianity group or something. So, you can see everything I do or think would evolve around God, but it may not be good things and I don't like that :( I feel so lonely, undicciplined, dissocial, and... numb. It's harder too because sometimes I think of my cousin who passed last year :/ I try to make the best out of the memories of him, but it's hard when a feeling in me is like "Run away" "Go away" "Don't live on" and most of all recently "Do I stay the same and wait to get worse so I could actually get the help I want? Or do I just... get better all for good or nothing?" I don't know if this is strange or not to think this, but I feel like volunteerily going to a mental hospital, even though not serious is wrong with me. I just want to... relapse. Is this like normal, or?? Cause if I were to tell my therapist this I'm sure she'd say "Oh yeah, we're gonna have to give you a higher dose of those anti-depression pills" hello, that's not the answer I want. I don't know😥 Please help, cause I'm lost at this point with religion and mental health and sociality.