Melancholy

I don't understand why things haven't gotten better. People always say that like it's absolutely garunteed but it's really not. People like that are fucking stupid. I've waited and waited and held onto the edge for so long that my body is starting to physically hurt. People say that when you feel particularly heavy for no reason its called melancholy, but what do I do if it's for more than one day? A month? A year? A century? I don't believe I'm depressed since I can be happy and laugh after a few jokes are cracked. But when I'm alone again with my thoughts all the scary stuff comes back. I hate my life so much. Sometimes I want it to end. The only reason I haven't is because food is yummy and the only ways to die or either torture or seizures. I feel so disgusting saying this as I consider myself kinda privelaged and others obviously have it worse than me. I wanna go home. I wanna go back to a time where everyone in my family was genuinely happy. I wanna go back to being a mindless little shit who can't tie her shoes. I wanna go back. If I knew growing up would be this terrible I would've smiled more before I considered it awkward. I would've told my family I loved them before it all became lies. Now we're just here. Existing. Nothing feels real anymore. I feel a sense of doom creeping in on nights like this. I need to sleep...