a member

I want love. I crave that deep intimacy. Not shallowness or surface-level love, but that deep love. That deep love where I crave that deep connection and have someone I love in sync with me. That love where I feel a spiritual connection with them and feel loved, respected, valued, and understood and seen. A love where I can be myself and respected and valued for me. A love where I can share my world and my beliefs with my love and they can share their love and world with me. A love where I can trust unconditionally and finally feel safe; where my nervous system just relaxes when I am with them. I crave emotional intimacy and none of that shallow physical touch. I want someone to share my life with. I love myself and I love being alone because I love my peace. But I am also willing to share my life and be someone's respected and loved companion. I want to walk alongside and be someone's companion. Be someone's equal. Be someone's love too. However, society and the stories I hear everyday on the news and social media shatters this dream of mine. I want to find someone who will make me very happy, but I feel scared. I heard women say do not marry. I also hear them saying 'don't get pregnant or the man will leave you.' I saw a 1 hour video of thousands of women talking about how their husbands switch up. Men hit women and expect them to do chores, raise kids on their own, and walk away when things go bad. Even my mom and sister warn me to never marry at all. The world scares me. I am scared. What if I am hurt or never experience the respect and love I want in a partnership? What if I die at the hands of a man who I thought would love me? I am so scared, but yet I want love. Is this bad? I feel I shouldn't dream of having a happy love anymore or I will be disappointed and tricked into something I don't want. I don't know what to hope for. I am losing faith. I am not sure if I should give up on this dream entirely or not.