a member

The question was raised by a reply from a friend wondering how I was doing. She said she could sense from the tone of my voice that something was off. One thing led to another, and it got me thinking about what had been happening lately, when the easy thing would have been to just hide it behind the curtains. After spending such a long time at work surrounded by people pretty much all the time, from dawn to dusk, it’s quite a challenge to be on your own. There’s a mini period of adaptation — a day or two. I guess the situation comes from the fact that all that constant presence of people you’re used to having around, even if they’re strangers, is suddenly gone, and you’re left alone with your thoughts. And they don’t stop. Talking to yourself and making plans every day, organising little routines. I guess it’s a way to keep yourself company, or to avoid whatever feelings might arise. To avoid the big question: what are you afraid of? But the truth is, it’s impossible to run away from it. I chose this way of living — more nomadic and unstable. Understanding that my community is spread around, that most of the time I’ll be on my own, and that some of that time I will feel lonely. I would like to say that I have surrendered to this, that I have accepted it. So, what am I missing out on? I think that trying so hard to keep yourself going can be even worse than the actual situation. It tenses my body, makes me clench my jaw, and drains my mind, making me even more tired and unable to feel free. I take this as an exercise for my mind — to go far and beyond, to explore its capacity, and to see how I can flip the coin into a more positive insight and reflection.