a member

What I overthink lately is not having an excellent award/honor. I'm scared to face everything because they know me for having high grades and high scores. I'm scared that if I fail again, I'll be more guilty on myself for what I did, and if I fail, they won't see me as their daughter because I didn't reach their expectations. Like if I don't get a high grade or a high score. Everything is all about being on top, or to be honored is to get that excellent award. I wasn't begging for attention; I was begging to be seen and to have the validation I wanted for so long. I didn't just go to school to learn but to gain my parents' validation and to be seen for what I only can do. It's so difficult that they know you for being smart, always on top, and with honors; you often got awards for any subjects because if I didn't get any, I'd be more guilty for myself for not being able to focus and not being smart enough to get with honors or even top. Asking what I am if I don't receive any awards, what I am to do with them if I don't reach their expectations, who I am to be proud of, and who I am to be their daughter, when all I need is academic validation and to make them realize I feel burnout too and to make them feel that I suffer and stress myself to get to and reach the expectations they wanted me to reach. I suffer silently when all I've wanted for so long to happen is to have academic validation that until now I can't get. Fighting for validation and to feel seen is so hard—to be heard. I HOPE AFTER IN THE LONG RUN WE CAN HAVE THE VALIDATION WE'VE WANTED FOR TOO LONG.