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My mood switches up so quickly. I already know thats normal for people but i hate how i switch moods quickly. Like how i'm avoiding reality. I'm easily happy, very bright and laughs a lot, but once i'm alone it just empties or i feel devoid of what i felt a couple minutes ago. And i couldn't even remember why i felt so happy. My cat died on me this year and that was like a breaking point for me. Like i had no more will to become patience anymore, not even deal with my mom picking fights with me with her unreasonableness. I left my friendgroup of 4 years, i ended it with my boyfriend. Like after 2 months my cat died i ended it with almost all my connections before leaving the country to live with my dad. Now i text only 2 people from my hometown. I just realized i had no more attachments back there anymore. I ended it with my boyfriend, we were dating for like 3 and a half years and i just couldn't with him anymore. This guy was still immature and now i actually noticed it more instead of turning a blind eye and left him. He did guilt trip me trying to come back to him but i was just simply done. And with my friendgroup not making any literal time whatsoever for our last hangout, i also ended it. It seems like a stupid reason but i just cant. We had so many chances to schedule our last hangout and it didn't happen, of course it didn't. There was always excuses and i felt frustrated. Now that i moved, i live with my loving sister and my caring dad, it's nice, i didn't feel like going mentally crazy back in my hometown. My hometown was like, it was good. But everyone tested my patience. My mom, my school, everything, everyone. My mom, shes just a narcissist to put it simply, she isn't the type of parent you'd go seek for comfort nor teach you anything since she expects you to know it already. My school, i joined a special arts program. It was bullshit. The only difference that program had with normal programs was that we were whole day like 6:30 am to 4:35 pm. And normal programs were half day. Now the reason i hated it so badly was the environment and people itself. The teachers were the most lovable ones for me, they were kind and everything, except the substitutes. My classmates are always so, loud in a bad way. Even finding the most stupidest reasons to corner our class officers with unreasonable reasons. And i burnt out since a lot of my classmates test my patience since they see me as "kind" for giving out like my extra stuff like if they need a stapler and etc. it's called being generous or what someone would do if you need help. I wasn't kind overall i know that myself but i just keep it to myself from how much hate i have with everything. My friends, even my childhood friends were bullshit. The girl i was with since babies all she does is chat me when she needs something but when i chat, its always leave on delivered so i ghosted her last year. Again with my Mom, i told my mom i wanted to switch schools because everyone was testing my patience and i hated going there now. She refused because i had my visa ongoing and it will cause troubles in the future. And that was the last straw, since i had to go back to the same environment especially at school, i started self-harming. I used my nails because i didn't have the heart to use sharper materials. I punched my closet, the wall all the time I was going crazy, i would wear heels that gave me feet pain just so i could hold back my anger in everything. It was just suffocating. I told my mom about how my cat needs to be taken to the vet at saturday because he was just stunt or like not moving like he usually was and even meowing or eating his meals. But my mom didn't take him because she had a headache that day. And on sunday the vet nearby was closed every sunday, and on monday he apparently ran away from home. And on tuesday i was at school and watching my media class's booth. And then i asked my mom if he took him to the vet already and she said he died. I hate my mom. I hate her so much. She may have isolated herself from a week when he died and moved on. But i'm still crying over my dead cat. That cat was my everything and my reason to not bedrot and i would give him warm milk every night because it's cold at night and he would have his meows dry, he seeks comfort next to me and lays down like a sack of potato and would greet me everytime i came home. I am devastated. I don't need another cat that looks like him because my love for that goddamn cat will not change even if you get me a new one my bond with him was just that. A cat chose me as his owner and he was only a year and a half old he didn't even grow up to reach like 10 years and more, he died still like a child. And i couldn't even be by his side when his world was ending haunts me everytime i remember. So fuck you if you time i'm so 'nonchalant' sometimes i just don't know what to feel or do anymore and will always just distract myself by being happy or whatever but reality still slaps back.