I feel disgusted of myself (vent)

I'm scared as fuck of my mom seeing my SH scars, she didn't saw it yet but she probably will see it soon. It's literally so obvious and I feel disgusted but idk why I like to do it but I still feel weird, sometimes I do it for attention and it's so wrong but I can't stop Also I'm being kinda rude to my friend but idk how to explain it, I'm still disappointed with her cuz she blocked me out of nowhere (theres a reason but idk how to explain), I know that I'm wrong but I still want to say this sorry if looks that I'm playing the victim, I know I'm wrong but I still want to vent