a member

My relationship with Christianity was a mixture of doing what's expected and my church made it entertaining to be one. Naturally I was hooked. In my teens however I questioned my relationship with the religion because my Pastor would talk about the most cherished memory being accepting Jesus as your lord and savior and I didn't remember such event, I didn't know that was something one had to do, so instead of correcting it, I sat in silence and just never did that. My connection to it was dimming alot in my teen years because I developed depression and anxiety and it became unpleasant (I thought it was a common phase to get to, but listening other people my age going on about it was painful not gonna lie). I was a fake Christian but I persisted and insisted on trying but I became an agonist in my university years. I went through hard times and dove full force in Christianity, and tried my best even through was skeptical, guilty and hate filled towards myself. I tried praying, fasting, worshiping and tried reading my Bible but the skepticism got worse and I thought that me pushing through with it might be a good thing that earns me favor but eventually I stopped fooling myself and became an atheist (ironically my mother became even more religious than I have ever witnessed in a family member). I feel scared about that revelation, I don't know how I'll be treated. I won't be treated awfully because they are good people but I don't think I'm ready to be iced out of that sphere. I don't like not being Christian either. It's removing another sector in my life that I spent a lot of time and effort on. I think people will think differently of me and I'll lose that connection to the people around me from church. I still participate and nobody knows that I'm atheist. I feel disconnected in that aspect but I don't want to lose that constant form my life too. I'm sorry to any Christians I have offended with this post, I just needed to get this off my chest.