a member

My best friend and I have always been a toxic duo for each other. We've been close since the start of middle school and have stuck by each other ever since. I don't know how I feel towards them; I have mixed feelings tbh. They've said some pretty bad shit to me before and are very manipulative, childish, and super mentally ill. However, we always had a similar trauma. We both lost our fathers, we have... mentally inept mothers. And most of all we are miserable when it comes to life. However, we are complete opposites when it comes to our opinions on certain things. Anyways... They drove me away from all our old friend groups, and even though the reasons are reasonable, I just... after they did this again for the second time they kind of left me... isolated. This is mostly because they got into a car accident recently, unscathed, yes. But their mom suffered the brunt of it. Honestly, I felt so scared. I did not want their mom to die, and even though this happened to them, it still felt like such a huge change to me since, like- hey, this person is a crucial part of my life. Tbh, I've thought of running and breaking off from them multiple times, but every time I got this thought and fear in the back of.my head telling me I would be alone in my group and nobody would want me as their duo. That nobody would understand me like they do. I see now as I type this how toxic that is, but it's a hard mindset to escape from. Anyways I just... i feel so fucking stuck rn. They're gone, so im more lonely in school and I hate that. They're my infamous partner, and it sucks not having them even though our every interaction was getting more and more draining. I like talking to them since they know everything about me. But I hate that they finally stole the last thing I kept from them. My independence. And I hate myself to grieving it even though I should feel free. It feels so selfish that im only grieving because the person im closest to is no longer here.