I am unsure if I believe or disbelief anymore ATHEIST TAKE ONLY!! I AM NOT MOCKING RELIGIOUS PPL!! PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

—I AM NOT MOCKING OR BELITTLING WHATSOEVER!!! I USED TO be very religious when I was about 4th to sixth grade where I live is religious and diverse and have many different religions before my mum died I pray everyday that God would take my life before her because I was afraid to watch my mother's death I dreamt about her dying I never thought it would be true but here we are. She died and I stopped praying and as I grew older I have alot of secretly agnostic or atheist friends and I soon become agnostic but I am still unsure because number one, my family is religious they always nag me and I hate it threats about hellfire really scares me and I have to fake praying everyday I don't think I have the courage too say I'm an agnostic I don't want to be cut off and second I still read the 'book' (if you know you know) not because I wanted too I don't want it but I have too because my father's pays religious lessons, and in my country we study religion alot multiple time I skipped religious classes (except for math, science all that stuff) I love math and science I always got 90,80 or a 100 but now I am unsure! By the way im not Christian alright? Smth else that I wouldn't share.