😲 Funny

I will circle the block 15 times looking for a pull-in spot rather than attempt to parallel park. I've scratched two cars and I cannot go through that again

At least once a month I fake being ill so I can have a full day of uninterrupted gaming. I even have a fake cough I practice the night before.

the roomba goes left the cat goes left. the roomba goes right the cat goes right. they do this for HOURS. yesterday the cat rode the roomba into the kitchen like a tiny furry chariot. i have never…

an actual crowd formed. a man offered to do it for me. a child was recording. i finally got it in and it was so crooked that technically i was in two spots. everybody clapped and not in the…

the panic. the PANIC. unliked it in 0.3 seconds but we all know they got the notification. im throwing my phone into the ocean and starting a new life as a shepherd in new zealand

missed a flight. a FLIGHT. apparently past me set them all one minute apart which means i got 15 alarms between 5:00 and 5:14 and didnt hear a single one. woke up at 8:30 to 23 missed calls. spent…

8 full hours. multiple meetings. face to face conversations. NOBODY said anything until 4:55pm when the janitor pointed it out. either my coworkers are blind or they simply do not care about me.…

in front of EVERYONE. the whole table went quiet. my mom choked on her wine. my sister tried to change the subject but no this 6 year old wanted ANSWERS. "is it because youre boring?" she asked as a…

company wide. 500 employees. the email said "lol yeah he s such a micromanager." referring to the CEO. the CEO was on the email chain. i work in IT and considered just deleting my own account and…

the irony is not lost on me. shouldve stuck with chips. my body literally rejected the healthy choice. cant make this up

took a huge sip during my zoom meeting and the face i made was apparently so dramatic my camera turned itself off out of respect. no it didnt but it should have. my soul left my body

library. pin drop silence. and then i sneeze like a shotgun and this little kid starts WAILING. his mom looked at me like i personally attacked her child. i mouthed sorry and speed walked out.…

she texts me stuff like "your grandfather is in the hospital 😂🔥💀" and "the cat died 🥰✨🎉" i dont think she knows what they mean but im too scared to correct her at this point

the things ive googled for "research purposes" would make a therapist retire. last week alone: "can you survive on ramen forever" "how to tell if your cat is plotting against you" "is it illegal to…

he turned me around and i looked like a coconut. but he was so proud of himself. "fresh right?" and i said "yeah man looks great" and tipped him extra because im a coward. wore a hat for 3 weeks

got neither the pic nor the sandwich. just a blurry photo of a seagull flying away with my entire turkey club and a look of betrayal on my face. nature is ruthless

full performance. we re talking belting celine dion. my heart will go on. complete with hand movements even though nobody could see me. he could hear me tho. my mom let him in and forgot to tell me.…

i dropped a piece of toast butter side down. looked up and she was sitting on the counter just STARING at me with the most disappointed face ive ever seen. from a cat. she turned around and walked…

meant to type "ill let you know" and it corrected to "i love you know" and i hit send before reading it. he replied "love you too champ." we have never spoken of it since. its been 4 months

full arm wave. big smile. the whole thing. they were waving at the person behind me. i turned it into a stretch so smoothly that i pulled a muscle. double L

she was NOT impressed. she drove me to the ER though so maybe there is a silver lining. we are not dating. she told everyone at school. my cast says "nice flip" on it courtesy of my lovely friends

printed it out on the nice paper and everything. left it on the table. came back to confetti. had to explain to the interviewer why i was handing them a crumpled backup copy that i printed at the…